Sunday, 23 July 2017

Is This The Wurst Thing Written Ever Written?

I'm surprised that I have only now learned of what is claimed to be the worst story ever written: The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis.

You can read the alleged background to the story here.

Is this the written crafted prose of a writer who failed to know and understand that his penned words, when typed, read like the considerably overly composed expressions of a writer who doesn't know how and when to end, halt and stop their excessively adjectived detailed exhaustive descriptions?

Or this an attempt at satire, a fictional story of contrived words meant to convey understanding and meaning through the use of irony, humour and exaggeration to reveal hidden truths, shrouded meanings and stinging critiques of the various stereotypical caricatures and grunting bloody plotlines found in the often overly over-expressed works of fantastic sword and sorcery fantasies? And large, firm breasts; Don't forget the bulging breasts. And the trails of crimson red arcing from the massive barbarian's sword, blood raining down upon the fetid dungeon's damp stone floor, ruby drops merging into brooks then rivers of death, flowing through a floor grate against a slimy wall into the deep sewers below to be drunk by ghastly and gruesome denizens of those fetid depths.

Oh, did I use 'fetid' twice? Damn.

It is what it is, and it isn't as bad as advertised. He got it published when he was sixteen! I would have given up all the girlfriends I never had to get published at that young age!

His over-thought, dictionary-deprived, thesaurus-enhanced prose is amusing. My favourite:
Consciousness returned to Grignr in stygmatic pools as his mind gradually cleared of the cobwebs cluttering its inner recesses, yet the stygian cloud of charcoal ebony remained. An incompatible shield of blackness, enhanced by the bleak abscense of sound.
Probably his otherwise worst offense is that it's boring. But what else should we expect from such a young mind?

I confess that I failed to read beyond Grignr's fight with the 'garganuan brownhide rat' as he strived 'to hold its razor teeth from his juicy jugular, as its beady grey organs of sight glazed into the flaring emeralds of its prey.' 

If you manage to read the whole thing, let me know what happens.

I hope I write better than this guy.

(h/t James Bow, from his FB account)

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